Cry Me A Riverdale
Cmar season3

Cry Me a Riverdale is a deconstructive look by deconstructive boyshapes Jon Risinger (On the Spot) and Mikey Neumann (Movies with Mikey) that seeks to illuminate new things about the show Riverdale. These two super-sleuths will break it all down, Encyclopedia Brown-style, and unlock the secrets of a show that never should have existed in the first place.

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    Chapter 47: Bizarrodale

    Chapter 47: A lot of good gay stuff happens and Jon gets a pizza delivered.

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    Chapter 45: The Stranger

    Chapter 45: Dark Archie enters into the extended Riverdale universe and FP looks good in a uniform.

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    Chapter 44: No Exit

    Chapter 44: Betty attempts to actually use the legal system and fails miserably at every turn while Veronica commits felonies and hires a gang for protection and Jughead all but ruins the serpents. Archie kills a bear. With his hands.

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    Chapter 43: Outbreak

    Chapter 43: We meet Mama Jughead. We like Mama Jughead. Other stuff might have happened this episode. Not sure.

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    Chapter 40: The Great Escape

    Chapter 45: Jughead is gonna be the very best, like no one ever was. And Archie dies of a staph infection. It was truly tragic. Featuring special guest, Anthony Carboni!

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    Chapter 39: The Midnight Club

    Chapter 39: The Riverdale Breakfast Club plays Killer Jumanji while larping on drugs and Alice returns to form as non-culty crazy Alice for at least one episode.

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    Chapter 38: As Above, So Below

    Chapter 39: All the kids play Guys & Gargs with that cool blue drink while Archie goes full Brad Pitt on some prison boys.

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    Chapter 36: Labor Day

    Chapter 36: It's the end of Summer and the boys are back in town. And the girls. And the hot dads.

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    Chapter 35: Brave New World

    Chapter 35: Veronica goes to the mat with Hiram, Archie goes to the mat with Hiram, Betty goes to the mat with Hal, and Riverdale is having a 3 for 1 sale on Mat's at Pop's in the SEASON FINALE!

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    Chapter 34: Judgement Night

    Chapter 34: Riverdale has descended into a full-scale riot, Ronnie realizes this whole "mob thing" is really pretty dangerous, and Betty finds out the true identity of the Black Hood.

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    Chapter 33: Shadow of a Doubt

    Chapter 33: Betty confides in Cheryl and Cheryl drops knowledge on errybody, the Black Hood misses a lot, and Fred deals with his own mortality (again).

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    Chapter 32: Prisoners

    Chapter 32: Dealing with the recent murder at their school musical, SHIT GETS REAL.

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    Chapter 31: A Night to Remember

    Chapter 31: Everyone comes out of the woodwork to put on a production of Carrie: The Musical, Jughead films it, and Kevin makes a series of unfortunate decisions.

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    Chapter 30: The Noose Tightens

    Season 2 Chapter 30: The Noose Tightens

    Chapter 30: No description this week because we were joined by the co-writer of this very episode: Britta Lundin! You can tell Jon is excited. It's kind of adorable.

    But Did You Know: Britta wrote a very good book and you should very check it out!

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    Chapter 29: Primary Colors

    Chapter 29: Hiram's plans start to unravel and it puts Archie in a precarious situation, Jughead gets serious about what being an activist actually means, and Fred considers shopping for a new son because his old one got kinda broken.

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    Chapter 28: There Will Be Blood

    Chapter 28: Manipulations are in full effect for Riverdale: Fred runs for mayor, Chic reveals a lot about himself in increasingly strange ways, and Jughead questions Deep Throat.

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    Chapter 27: The Hills Have Eyes

    Chapter 27: Jughead readies his arm cannons for war with Hiram, Veronica must hide the truth about her father from her friends, and Cheryl rules forever!

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    Chapter 26: The Tell-Tale Heart

    Chapter 26: Betty loses all of her sleep--just all of it, Hiram turns over a new leaf right on Jughead's face, and Archie's performs a small miracle and retains his shirt for an entire episode.

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    Chapter 25: The Wicked and the Divine

    Chapter 25: Archie goes down that twisted well of mobster activity, Ronnie both worries and doesn't worry about that exact thing, and the beheaded statue takes center, headless stage. Cheryl isn't in this episode. (with Special Guest, Mikey's sister, Stephanie!)

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    Chapter 24: The Wrestler

    Chapter 24: Being openly manipulated by Hiram, Archie takes up wrestling, Betty finds out some things out about Chic people probably shouldn't be shaming in 2018, and HAL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER INVENTED DIE IN A BEAR, HAL.

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    Chapter 23: The Blackboard Jungle

    Chapter 23: Jughead takes all the overreaction pills this week as Southside High gets the break of a lifetime, not that he noticed. Oh, and we meet "Chig." Welcome back to Riverdale, everyone!

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    Cry Me A Smallville (BONUS EPISODE)

    BONUS EPISODE: Smallville gets BIG on this week's CMAR. If you see one episode of Smallville, make it the pilot. And then listen to us talk about Superman a lot--a whole lot--an embarrassing amount--it's all Superman this week.

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    Cry Me A Charmed (BONUS EPISODE)

    BONUS EPISODE: Hey, we watched the pilot for Charmed. This is not a commentary on the quality of the show, whatsoever. It is commentary on simply: the pilot. Please enjoy!

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    Chapter 22: Silent Night, Deadly Night

    Chapter 22: Veronica gets her hands dirty(er,) Betty and Archie get up close and recklessly personal with the Black Hood, and Jughead stares off into the distance, longingly. Our 2017 Riverdale FINALE (we'll be back next week, though, with a SURPRISE).

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    Chapter 21: House of the Devil

    Chapter 21: Jughead and Betty get some unexpected and hugely welcome news about F.P. Jones, Archie and Veronica figure out they can't communicate so well, AND THEN EVERYTHING SUCKS FOREVER AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD SLAMS DOOR

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    Chapter 20: Tales from the Darkside

    Chapter 20: Jughead goes for a ride with the Candyman, Josie loses two Pussycats but gains a heart and Veronica catches a glimpse of Sheriff OCP. Or should I say Sheriff ABS?

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    Chapter 19: Death Proof

    Chapter 19: Mayor McCoy and Sheriff OCP lose their damn minds, Jughead stands up to them losing their damn minds, and Betty searches for the illusive Sugarman (who has almost certainly lost his or her damn mind).

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    Chapter 18: When a Stranger Calls

    Chapter 18: Betty gets gaslit by the best of 'em, Ronnie's ghoul comes back to BE HORRIBLE ALWAYS FOREVER, and somebody gets exactly what is coming to them.

    Trigger warning for real: episode contains attempted sexual assault.

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    Chapter 17: The Town That Dreaded Sundown

    Chapter 17: Betty makes a lot mistakes, Archie makes way more mistakes, the town begins to fracture at the seams, sides become a lot harder to draw, and we are no longer bleeping swearing because it's so infrequent anyway. Love youuuuuuu.

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    Chapter 15: Nighthawks

    Chapter 15: As terror looms over the kids of Riverdale, Betty takes on yet another side project to wildly fantastic results, and Jughead learns that actions are going to have consequences--oh--and Archie buys a gun because the store was out of brains. RIVERDALE!

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    Chapter 14: A Kiss Before Dying

    Chapter 14: Fred has a most relaxing day as he clings to life due to the events of our first season finale, we meet Hiram--finally, and everybody else acts varying degrees of straight trippin'.

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    Cry Me A Gilmore Girls (BONUS EPISODE)

    Tonight on Cry Me a Gilmore Girls: The Pilot. A lot of people talk a lot and it's great. That's the show. Hope you like talking because now we're gonna talk about all of this talking on the talking show. It's a show where people actually work shit out by talking. And they talk WELL.

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    Cry Me A The Vampire Diaries (BONUS EPISODE)

    The off-season continues with a surprise dinker of a show pilot! Mikey and Jon will tackle THE VAMPIRE DIARIES and things do not go smoothly. Will they survive? Does it matter if they do? No one knows so let's go.

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    Cry Me A The O.C. (BONUS EPISODE)

    The off-season begins! Mikey and Jon will choose some shows at least one of them had put off seeing ... until now. Welcome to the off-season, where the rules don't follow the rules WRESTLING NOISE Welcome to Cry Me A The O.C.!

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    Chapter 13: The Sweet Hereafter

    Chapter 13: Jughead sits between a rock and a hard place, the Blossoms upgrade to Defcon 1, Archie finally becomes a hero, and Bettie Cooper saves them all from themselves.

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    Chapter 12: Anatomy of a Murder

    Chapter 12: Fred and FP get their cry on, Alice gets her gun on, Betty gets her Jughead on, and Archie gets the f#@% on ... hopefully.

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    Chapter 11: To Riverdale And Back Again

    Chapter 11: Cheryl has a weird plan that goes nowhere, Polly literally goes nowhere, and Alice Cooper earns her name as the true, first Lord of Darkness.

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    Chapter 10: The Lost Weekend

    Chapter 10: Fred attempts to finalize his divorce much to Archie's unsurprising objection, there's a party to end of parties, Jughead has a problem with birthdays, and we finally meet Archie's mother and it does not disappoint.

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    Chapter 9: La Grande Illusion

    Archie makes a series of unfortunate decisions, Ethel is back from the Stranger Things' Upside-down death-jail, and Alice continues to experiment with this thing we like to call "empathy and human emotions."

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    Chapter 8: The Outsiders

    Chapter 8: Archie and his friends do the obvious thing you know is going to happen from the outset but a Moose gets wounded, so of course Archie plunges headlong into violent gang activity. Also, Betty's Mom turns over every leaf in the neighborhood.

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    Chapter 7: In a Lonely Place

    Cheryl does something illegal. Sheriff Old Chris Pine does something illegal. Fred Andrews does something illegal. JugDad does something illegal. All of the other parents do something illegal. Riverdale is illegal.

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    Chapter 6: Kill, Pussycats! Kill! Kill!

    Chapter 6: Archie makes every bad decision he can, somehow screwing over Val, Josie, and Veronica MULTIPLE TIMES in the process, while Betty and Jughead galavant in B-plot territory that should be A-plot territory. Oh, and all the parents in the entire town continue to set a fresh, new bar for being garbage people.

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    Chapter 5: Heart of Darkness

    Chapter 5: The Blossoms hold a funeral and memorial for their dearly departed son--as only they can. Veronica's mom reaches out once again to Fred with less-mixed signals this time, and Betty tightens her Nancy Drew hat while wearing a Hardy Boys shirt.

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    Chapter 4: The Last Picture Show

    Chapter 4: Jughead acts like a real wiener until we know why he's being a wiener, Betty puts on her best Encyclopedia Brown hat, and all of the proverbial shit in the universe hits every fan in town.

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    Chapter 3: Body Double

    Chapter 3: Cheryl becomes a human being, if only for a moment, Betty and Jughead become the Woodward and Bernstein of school newspapers, and Stranger Things' Barb finds a new home in Riverdale.

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    Chapter 2: A Touch of Evil

    Chapter 2: A Touch of Evil. Archie falls further down the Grundy rabbit hole, Cheryl goes full-Patton, and Jughead learns about said rabbit hole.

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    Chapter 1: The River's Edge

    Chapter 1 - The River's Edge. The mystery of what happened to Jason Blossom come more clearly into focus, Archie shreds with brooding, acoustic softness, and Jughead eats food.

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